Saturday, March 23, 2019

Who Am I and Why Am I Here?

Who I Am

Black Borboleta, Black Butterfly, or just plain ButtaFli
BLACK- I am a black woman of many facets -
BORBOLETA- Butterfly in Portuguese

Why I Chose This Moniker 

The butterfly represents the complete metamorphosis of the caterpillar's growth stages to becoming the butterfly. The butterfly is a long-standing symbol that represents faith, transformation, freedom,
and femininity. The spiritual meaning of the butterfly is resurrection because it's viewed as a symbol of hope, and positive change.

My life journey has been full of many struggles and triumphs. Creating my own metamorphosis. My journey has shaped me in to the woman I am today. The butterfly represents what I have become after my metamorphosis. Through out my life I have maintained my faith and the belief that "tough times don't last always". With that being said, I am still a "student of life".  My continued experiences, adventures and lessons in this life will continue to evolve and grow.

I use the Portuguese word for butterfly (Borboleta) as a way to honor, and pay homage to my West African, Cape Verdean family and ancestors, whose native language is Portuguese and Cape Verdean Creole (or kriolu). I was raised as a little black girl with very little knowledge of where my family comes from. As an adult, I have started my self discovery journey of learning, embracing and loving my heritage.  

Who Am I?

Summary of My New Path
Who am I, really?  Is a loaded question for me. One of the reasons I've started this blog is because I feel it is necessary to share my truth, so I can help empower other women with similar stories. Being rejected and neglected by a parent or both parents is one of the hardest traumas to get over.  In fact, you never really get over it.  You just learn to adjust to the pain by moving "it" around or just
burying it.  The problem is, the pain never settles in one place.  It keeps moving around, or re-adjusting, so you have to deal with it at different stages through out your life.

I am embarking on this journey of self discovery to find answers to the many unanswered questions regarding who I am.  This stems from me embracing and wanting to learn and discover more about my father's heritage, including our family history starting from the Cape Verde island of  Fogo, where our cultural roots began. I feel a great lack of knowledge regarding who I am was not properly passed on to me or my west coast family (here on the west coast) the proper way. There is a huge void regarding our culture that I am determined to fill, not just for me but for my family,  friends and all future generations.  As for my mother's family history, the journey I have to take will be filled with, trauma, pain and despair.  However, it's a journey I have been avoiding most of my adult life.  Because of my refusal to deal with, or, face the pain, I have realized that I cannot heal my SOUL completely, unless I know the root of where the wounds started. For me, it's been like putting the same small Band-Aid on a heart that was shattered to pieces many years ago, but you keep thinking this same Band-Aid will somehow stick.

This is, however, my introductory blog, so I don't want to get too deep "out the gate".  However,  I will still need you to "get ready" because during this journey of self discovery I will be speaking on ALL subjects that have affected my life. Some of these subjects WILL get real deep and extremely personal as they open up old wounds I've kept buried far too long. The key is no longer being afraid to open and face these childhood wounds, speak and work through the pain and drama they have caused me my entire life (yes, my entire life).

Through my transparency, I want those like me to understand and accept that you are NOT at fault for the childhood trauma you were forced to endure. Don't get me wrong, I make no excuses for my own transgressions through out this life.  I have always been down to earth and keep it "100" about my experiences.  However, I don't judge, nor, do I want others to judge. "He who is without sin let Him cast the first stone".   I want others like me, and those that love and have compassion for those like me, to have the courage to speak about, and face their painful TRUTH so they can start to heal.

My Parents
I am the product of two teen parents plagued by dysfunction, generational curses and generational trauma.  A 15 year old mother who was abandoned by her biological mother at the age 5 and, an 18 year old father, the product of a twice married and divorced, single mother of five. My "place", (birth in to the world), was shaky from the start.  My teen parents had me up for adoption the day I was born. Somehow, the adoption was thwarted by my mother's legal guardian. This same woman became my foster mother for the duration of my childhood....

I Am A Survivor
I am a survivor of Childhood Traumatic Abuse; CTA includes some, or, all of the following stages of abuse that are inflicted upon a child during the early development ages between 0-6 years old: the different forms of abuse administered to the child include: neglect, abandonment, physical, mental,  psychological, and sexual abuse. I unfortunately, have experienced every form of abuse listed here. Even though I only remembered one incident of sexual abuse at the age of 3, that's all it takes to scar a child for life.  The other abuse I endured, continued until I left this existence of dysfunction at the age of 17, (my senior year in high school). However, the after affects of this abuse have been with me for a lifetime. It's affected every aspect of my life, from my relationship choices, bad decisions, trust issues, friendships, the list goes on.

I Still See The Light
If you met me in person you would never know what I have had to endure.  In spite growing up in several painful environments (I was bounced around between several houses), sort of the standard life of a foster child.  I've always had spiritual insight, and my circumstances have made me very mentally and emotionally strong, and resilient. Even though I dealt with abuse, I am extremely loving, affectionate and empathetic. I have always looked at the glass "half full" never "half empty".

Why Am I Here?

To show other "sistas" like me, you are not alone.  Have faith. Be kind to yourself and those that are kind to you.  Try to pray for the ones that are not kind (I say try because I know it's hard).  There is always a silver lining in the darkest of clouds.  We are strong, resilient and no longer victims. WE ARE SURVIVORS.  We will no longer be ashamed of our truth.  Instead, be empowered and inspired by it.  I am on a journey to end generational curses, in my own family. The  traumatic abuse that is usually at the hands of people that are related to us,  look like us, or know us must stop.  I want to bring awareness to the "stepping over the pink elephant in the room" mentality of  WOMEN in our families who don't want to acknowledge the sins of the "family" abuser, by pushing the victim(s) in to silence, and shame because the women; mother, wife, girlfriend, sister, aunt etc. wants to blame the victim and cover and  protect the abuser.  This may not be a "fan favorite" statement but it's the truth. To know me is to know I speak the real "straight no chaser".  I have family members, friends, and extended family that have all been victims of sexual abuse and in these particular instances, the elder women of the family either turned on their own child when confronted with the abuse, or they swept it under the rug like it never happened.  Then the victim ends up with countless emotional, and behavioral problems, trouble in school or with the law, hyper sexuality, drug/alcohol addiction, promiscuity and sex addiction. We can see in the media right now how this "sickness of victim blaming" continues to be a part of the culture.

We have to start turning our stories around.  Learning and becoming empowered by our "HER-Story" and our "HER-Itage" is a must. I will be touching on a lot of subjects within in this blog but the overall message I want to always convey is; enrich, uplift, have faith, empower and embrace.

Til next time, "stay in your light"


1 comment:

  1. Wow! I am at a lost for words. I humbly look forward to your next blog. Sending lots of love.


Who Am I and Why Am I Here?

Who I Am Black Borboleta, Black Butterfly, or just plain ButtaFli BLACK- I am a black woman of many facets - BORBOLETA- Butterfly in Por...